Just a brief note – the information on my blog is for general information purposes only, and is not substitutable for any consultation with professionals or your general health practitioner.
Most of the time, when friends or family found out we were expecting, the kind of advice we would get included, “Don’t forget to make time for yourself”, “enjoy your sleep now because you won’t get any”, “remember who’s in charge”, “get a babysitter”, and things of the like. Here are a few things I would have found a million times more useful:
Swap Out “Don’t” for “Do”
Instead of telling them what not to do, give them a small task in the right direction. I.e. if you want your child to stop climbing on something, you might usually say, “Stop, don’t do that! Stop climbing, get down!” There’s a lot of un-direction there. How exactly do you stop? How can you do a don’t? Now, I included “get down!” Because that’s a very general “do” command, but it’s kind of a big one (that is, it’s not broken down into steps). Try “Let’s get down; take this foot and put it down here. Now take the other foot and put it here.” Etc.
Turn “You” into “We”
In any case possible, turn “you need to” into “we need to”. Kids and adults have much more in common than we think. You likely don’t appreciate being told what to do all the time, and neither does your child. But, we do need to offer our kids direction and guidance and help them learn healthy boundaries and lifestyle choices, which does mean we need to tell them what to do in many cases. Fortunately, a little change in wording can help them feel more like it’s a group activity than being ordered around. For instance, if you usually help them with their bedtime routine, instead of saying, “You have to stop playing because it’s time for bed!” you could say something like, “We’re getting ready for bed, it’s time for us to go brush our teeth!” In this instance, you’ve changed the “you” into “we, us, our”.
Offer Choices
“Do you want to walk [to bed] or do you want me to carry you?”, “Do you want to get into your car seat yourself or do you want help?”. Be intentional with your tone – anything can sound like a threat when you’re losing patience, even an offer for help. If it feels like a threat, they’ll begin to reject your help and come to you less for things they know they can’t handle themselves.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
Model what you would have them do. If you want them to be willing to clean the kitchen, then clean the kitchen, and don’t complain or guilt trip them over it. If they seem interested, ask if they want to help. If they say no, reply with a neutral tone, and no ulterior motive. Eventually, they may be open to helping. They will certainly notice your example, and what they see, they will eventually do.
Introduce Calming Techniques
Your body can’t suddenly learn and utilize new skills to calm down in the midst of emotional tumult. So, introduce the skills you want them to learn in calm times. You can do this by saying something like, “Do you want to take some deep breaths with me?”, “This is how I practice blowing out birthday candles. ” Or, “This is how I blow on my food to cool it down.” These are good ways to introduce just one technique, deep breathing. Other applications can include stomping, counting to ten, yelling into a pillow, chewing on a teether (for those who are pretty small, going through a biting phase, or teething), calming stretches, or picturing a happy place just to name a few. The more our brains have an opportunity to practice calming skills in a low-pressure situation, the more able they will be in times of high stress.
There’s so much more I’ve learned, but I’ve also learned that valuable information is best digested in small pieces. So, if there’s a specific topic or issue you’d like to see me write on, drop it in the comments!
